A note on Questionable Content - #3617 - Laying Down The Law

EDIT: So apparently I completely missed the commentary thing there at the bottom saying "if you take the I-90 to Boston anyway", so please enjoy the review thingy in the context of me blatantly missing a key part of the comic. 

This thing is totally not a legitimate criticism, it's entirely a nitpick and nothing else, but I think it's fun. EDIT: FUN TO NOT HAVE A SINGLE PERSON PROOFREAD MY POSTS

Questionable Content canonically takes place in Northampton, Massachusetts. By using FreeMapTools.com's "Radius Around Point" tool, we can see that 106 miles from Northampton is well past the coastline. The radius line actually extends through most of Long Island Sound and part of Long Island proper to the Atlantic Ocean. Even if we say that Long Island Sound isn't really the ocean (I wouldn't), 106 miles still puts us 20 miles deep into the Massachusetts Bay. EDIT: UNLESS, LIKE JEPH JACQUES, YOU FACTOR IN ROADS AND SHIT.

There are a few different explanations for this, and I'll go from least to most interesting. EDIT: ALL OF WHICH MAKE FAIL TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THE EXPLANATION THE COMIC STRAIGHT UP GIVES US.

(Option zero is that Hannelore was just misinformed or Jeph Jacques just picked a right-sounding number or something etc. Boring!)

Option one is that Hannelore, normally fastidious and precise as we saw a few comics ago, is thrown off her game by Tilly. This is possibly the first sign of the long-foreshadowed breakdown. EDIT: OR A SIGN OF MY HAVING ZERO READING ABILITY

If we assume Hannelore is correct, we can put this together with the fact that Questionable Content takes place in a fictionalized version of our world (yknow, with the robots and all). So option two is that the Earth's continents are differently shaped on QC!Earth. This could mean slightly different cultures, which would have resulted from the differently placed hunter-gatherer societies that tended to cluster near water during early societal development. We can perhaps assume that this is what has led to the other changes in Questionable Content, such as the further scientific advancement and the general embracing of progressivism and all that good stuff. EDIT: OR THE EARTH IS THE SAME AND JEPH HAS A GENERAL EMBRACING OF KNOWING HOW TO USE MAPS.

Option three (and here's where it gets fun) is that in the universe of Questionable Content, science is so advanced that humans have been able to reverse the effects of global warming, resulting in the ocean levels actually going down as the water goes back into the ice caps. This would expand the continents. How hard can it be when we have functional brain-scanning, AI, holograms, and high level space stations? (also anyone who's planning on correcting me on how global warming works: physics are also different in QC its just not explicitly stated so there) EDIT: IN OUR CURRENT WORLD WE HAVE GOOGLE MAPS, AN AMAZING TECHNOLOGY I FORGOT EXISTED.

Option four: Hannelore's dad is a mad scientist who does the evil laugh thing and goes off his medication. He has a space station, with lasers in it. Her mom is an evil controlling businesswoman lady person. If we put these two things together, is it unreasonable to assume that a giant space laser vaporized part of the ocean, or a giant machine terraformed the land? Is that not what would automatically happen as a result of evil business combining with mad science? EDIT: IF YOU COMBINE PRETENSION WITH NO READING SKILLS, YOU GET THIS REVIEW.

Option five: Consider, for a moment, politics. The average American, in my experience, does not talk about international conflicts* a lot. (And I live in Rhode Island! That's the world capital of angry, ineffective politics!) We have in-comic confirmation that wars are being fought in QC land, but not a lot about discussion about who's fighting who. Could a war be being fought on American soil that just happens to not be talked about since everyone's used to it? If we consider this, with the implication that some kind of bomb has been dropped near or off the coast of New York, (causing the new coastline) Questionable Content suddenly gets good! The boring slice of life 'happy relationship and nothing else' stuff is people desperately seeking meaning and intimacy in perilous times. The forced wacky humor is forced wacky humor because there is no real humor because of WAR. In every Questionable Content from now on, put a big ol' 'threat of war' filter over the entire thing. EDIT: IN EVERY REVIEW I WRITE FROM NOW ON, PUT A BIG OL' 'CAN'T FUCKIN READ' OVER THE ENTIRE THING.

Also, I know Jeph wouldn't read past the title of this blog (and really, can you blame him?) but wouldn't it be hilarious if in a week there was an offhand dialogue like "It's neat how we all moved to another city named Northampton (which is exactly 106 miles away from the shore) all at once and just didn't talk about it"? just to spite me? EDIT: YKNOW WHAT WOULD BE EVEN FUNNIER? IF HE OFFHANDEDLY EXPLAINED MY CONFUSION IN THE COMIC I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

Also also, it's been a whole week since the phrase "Now what am I going to do with you?" was used by a taller character talking directly to a shorter character. From what I can tell, not one person has used this as the basis for rule34 of any sort. It's criminal, I tell you, criminal! EDIT: MUCH LIKE FAILING TO READ THE FUCKING COMIC WHEN REVIEWING IT.

*(numbers at time of writing for America are 7 direct interventions with ~800 bases in other countries, just if you were wondering) EDIT: NUMBERS FOR THIS BLOG AT TIME OF WRITING ARE ZERO GOOD REVIEWS WITH AT MOST SEVEN UNIMPRESSED FANS THANKS AND GOD BLESS.

"XKCD Isn't Funny Isn't Funny" a.k.a. "APOLOGIES!!!!" a.k.a. "Top 11 Greg Greenwell Fuckups"

This was originally just going to be called "XKCD Isn't Funny Isn't Funny". It would've been written entirely from someone else's point of view, someone who held a deep personal grudge against me and actually hated everything I stand for. It was going to be vaguely in the style of Cracked, back before Cracked went to shit, in a countdown of my five worst failures on this blog during 2014.

But, for better or for worse, I've decided against that. For one, I feel like it would come off more as smug self-awareness than anything else. For two, I don't want to kick off the new year with a meta blast of self-hatred; bad vibes, man. Also I was going to have my friend Frank write a "Top Five XKCD Isn't Funnys of 2014" list but that just seemed like an ego stroke, even to me the moment I thought of it.

This is just going to be a big apology for my mistakes, and an expression of hope that I have learned my lessons and will be able to continue to grow and improve throughout 2015. If you want to read what I had of the original version of this post, you can find a rough draft of what would have been #1 here.

Anyway.


Mistake #0: Tagging every post the same way

For a while, every review was tagged with "critic, criticism, not funny, phoning it in friday, xkcd, xkcd hate blog, xkcd is not funny, xkcd isn't funny, xkcd not funny, xkcd sucks", pretty much entirely out of ignorance for how the tagging system worked, and then out of habit. At some point I will go through my blog and re-tag everything to fix the current, less broken, system.

Mistake #1: Editing the comics in early reviews. (example)

I don't remember exactly why I thought this was a good idea. Branding, maybe? One of the edits has an alt-text of "DADIST GLORY", which doesn't really clear anything up. Regardless, it was a dumb idea and it won't happen again unless I decide to do a "Make XKCD funny" thing like xkcd-sucks used to do.

Mistake #2: #PhoningItInFriday

"#PhoningItInFriday" was an idea I came up with when I was reviewing a comic on Friday and realized that I really didn't want to think that particular day. Instead of just waiting until Saturday like I tend to do nowadays, I tried to slice a third of my workload off my plate early on. It's not something I would do now, with an audience that is actually reading this stuff (hopefully).

Mistake #3: Using the word "etrospeak"

I have no idea where this came from. I thought "etrospeak" was a Trope, but apparently not. This entry was going to be about my using TV Tropes -language in reviews meant for everyone, but I guess it's actually about my using words that have never existed. I'll, uh... stop doing that, then.
 
Mistake #4: A paragraph from my review of #1370

The third-to-last, or pen-penultimate, paragraph in that review is just not needed. Not only does it have a swear for no good reason, it brings unnecessary attention to my age. It's just really immature. I think I was in a bad mood or something when I wrote most of that, and I shouldn't have posted it the way it was.

Mistake #5: A comment on my review of #1381

My review of #1381, is, by popular consensus, wrong. I didn't want to admit this, in another display of immaturity. But the worst part definitely exists in the comment section, which is nice because less people will see it. For some reason, I decided to post an essay-length response that I cringe at when I read now. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't waiting for someone like you." Ugh.

Mistake #6: "XKCD Isn't Funny - #1396 - ACTORS"

This one is the entire reason that this post exists.  Read the rough draft, it explains everything, but... I... I just hate the Greg that did this, and I hate that that Greg was me.

Mistake #7: Using pre-made arguments on #1431

#Confession: A not-insignificant amount of my reviews are thought up in some form ahead of time. "Go develop a castration fetish" had been thought up before I even started the blog. My review of #1431 is what happens when I try to apply arguments I've come up with that don't quite fit. I stand by what I said, mostly, but it definitely makes me look like the smaller man when I'm complaining about preachiness and he's complaining about homophobia. What I should have done was wait until Randy came up with another preachy comic that actually deserved a full lashing.


All of these mistakes will also be acknowledged in edits of the above reviews, but I wanted to centralize them in an announcement of sorts.

Reminder: I read every comment I get (even if I don't always respond*). If you have an idea on how I can improve, tell me so that I can produce better content.



* reasons I didn't respond to your comment:
- I meant to, but had to do something else first and then forgot
- I did, but then Google+ did that weird "delete all the text" thing and I didn't see it until weeks later
- Someone else responded for me (Thanks, Menacing Banjo!)
- I didn't have anything to add
- You don't have replies enabled
- You are Jon Levi and I am unsure of how to react to a comment from my better

Died In A Blogging Accident - LEAKED ENDING

If you've been keeping up with XKCD-SUCKS (which, if you're not, why aren't you, it's great) you're probably that our Jonnyboy has come down with a case of broken computer, and is unable to post more Died In A Blogging Accident until Christmas, which is by complete coincidence the one year annaversary of this blog.

However, in the same blog post he announced the reason for the unplanned hiatus, he mentioned offhand that he stores files in The Cloud. 8chan saw this and hacked him in mere seconds, sending the finished ending of Died In A Blogging Accident to me. This also gives me a convient thing to use as my hundredth post. So without further ado, I present:

Died In A Blogging Accident - Chapter 69 - Darkness

---

"No matter what happens now
I shouldn't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen."

—Radiohead

Rob Mason stood above his similarly-initialed counterpart. He was holding a sharpened plastic sword against Randall Munroe’s chest. Randy had started the fight with a similar blade, but it was currently stuff in a crater that had been left by a stray overvolted laptop battery.

“I… win.” Rob breathed, panting from the effort of the incredibly dramatic and entertaining battle that had just happened. “And soon,” he continued, “XKCD won’t suck anymore, for XKCD will be no more.”

It had been a long journey to this point, full of twists, turns, friends, enemies, celebrity cameos, and run-on sentences. Rob was almost sad to see it all end. Almost.

With a tempered glee, the blogger prepared to stab the webcomic artist through the heart. Randy didn’t say anything, instead racking his brain trying to think of a quotable one-liner.

The very air seemed to hold still as Rob drew his weapon back.

“Wait!” a lone voice cried out, not quite distant but not yet close either.

Both men turned their heads towards the source. It was a tall, unshaven male in a gray hoodie and jeans with dark, messy hair, making an awkward shuffle-run up the path to the summit of the mountain.

“Wait! Don’t kill him!” he yelled, a northeastern accent slurring the latter two words together.

After an awkward few seconds of stretching out the pause in the climatic death scene, Rob looked back at Randy, wondering if this was Mr. Munroe’s last resource. But Randy looked just as confused as he did.

In another thirty seconds, the unkempt surprise had reached the circle that had been the battleground for the last three chapters.

“It doesn’t have to be like this.” he said, pausing between words to breathe, heavier than would have been expected.

The two men looked back and forth between the newcomer and each other, their previous characterization melting a little.

“XKCD isn’t funny, that’s true.” The stranger began, stepping over and around the vestiges of battle. “But that doesn’t mean it can’t be. Randy, you’ve come up with some really, really good comics this last month. I just want to see that happen more often.”

The aforementioned ex-NASA employee slowly reached up with an uncertain hand to push the sharpened plastic sword aside. Rob let him. After a moment, the three were standing in a triangular formation within the larger circle.

---

Several weeks later, XKCD’s new editor had just woken up and was sitting down to read through a small stack of drafts. He wrote up his criticism and revisions, in a slightly kinder tone than usual, before sending them back to Randy.

The artist of the internet’s most popular webcomic checked his email, noting the changes and arriving at a happy medium that would again be sure to please his readers, old and new. Below his editor’s email there was another list of t-shirt orders, enough to pay everyone’s rent for another month. He smiled contentedly and set out drawing the first figure of his next comic – making sure to connect the head to the torso.

XKCD was funny again.

XKCD Isn’t Funny - #1428 & #1429: The Story Of The Two Great Lost Reviews

Back when I was an XKCD fan, I read XKCD a lot. That may sound like a redundancy, it’s really not, I didn’t just check XKCD every M/W/F, I’d hit the random button a few times, check Questionable Content, and then go back to XKCD, hit random again, and read through the archives a bit.

I wasn’t the most exciting person a few years ago.

It’s an unfortunate side effect of my status as an ex-XKCD fanboy that I can look at older XKCD comics, the ones I read time and time again previously, and I just have no opinion on them at all. I don’t find them funny, but I know I found (some of) them funny in the past, back when I also thought it was impressive I found a contradiction in The Bible.

I’ve tried to do reviews of older comics and I just couldn’t form an opinion one way or another. I’d read it so many times that it ceased to even mean anything. What was funny about it? Was it one of the ones that was supposed to be funny? Did I pretend to find it funny?

And I don’t know what it was about #1428 and #1429, but they both had that same effect on me almost instantly. Maybe I was just really sad through that week for whatever reason; I just had nothing at all, and I still don’t.

Which sucked more than it usually would, since I’d just promised to post something for every comic from then on.

My thoughts on #1428 pretty much got as far as “Well that doesn’t seem like something you should actually say in a job interview, I don’t think he would have been hired with that attitude.”, which is obviously taking the joke far too seriously (even for a blog like this), a post with that sentence as the sole idea behind it wouldn’t be anything worth reading.

The demons that live inside my skull managed to do a little more with #1429, I got a decent intro and a paragraph or two of content before realizing that although I was saying things, there wasn’t any kind of end point, there wasn’t any backing idea to it at all. And if there’s anything that producing content for the Internet has taught me, it’s not to say anything unless you’re absolutely prepared to defend what you say.

So. That’s the tale of how I didn’t update for almost an entire week. Two last things before I start working on my write-up of #1430:
1. There’s going to be something special for my one hundredth post. Possibly special in the short bus sense, but special nonetheless.
2. There’s going to be generally more variation in the content of this blog, although I’m not sure to what extent. I’m not going to start talking about other webcomics anytime soon, though.